my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize
