Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
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