Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Randomize
