Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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