my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Who died my cat blue again?
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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