Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Randomize
