I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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