the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
she told me i tasted like america
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
