it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
