my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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