Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
