Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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