Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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