i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
