At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
