There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
