I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
