Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Randomize