I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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