We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
