ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Randomize