Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Randomize
