I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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