If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
