Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
