if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
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