Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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