Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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