I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
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