Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Randomize
