i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
