You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Randomize
