I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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