Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
