Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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