My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
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