Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
