if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
