alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
eveytime i go to his house my cute clothes always get taken off what's the point of even wearing them there?
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