now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
