So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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