youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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