there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
