ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just threw up on my dentist
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
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