I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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