So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
