TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
