remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Randomize
