meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Randomize
