The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize