You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
