Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
