I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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