I think I died a long time ago.
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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