He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
