She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
