I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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