There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize