Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Randomize
