WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
