Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
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