Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Randomize
