I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
There was a lot of him and a little penis
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
