I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Randomize
