Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
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