You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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