You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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