Cold hands, warm shart.
He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
